Tossed-n-Turned

thought for the day

2007-06-13T13:53:00.000+05:30

We do not remember days, we remember moments. The richness of life lies in memories we have forgotten - Cesare Pavese

from an axed mind

2007-06-08T16:08:00.000+05:30

though words are always in the context of how we perceive them and the situation they represent; though i have never believed in the literal and obvious meaning of certain words, but a lack of spirit to explain any other way, i am choosing to write using the usually deciphered meaning of these words.

like 'goodness' - what does one do with the goodness in one's self in a world which seems crumbling. of course live and let live, but what happens when dirt and shit is thrown at you by the scheming horrid people? give it back, nah, that never helps really. avoid it? build a wall around yourself?

like 'heart' - what do you do when you are all heart. now the heart here doesn't mean mush. it means heart in the spirited way. when no matter what negativity hits, you do not find yourself becoming bitter, not beyond a few hours. no matter how hard you deny and no matter all the cynicism, you just can feel it. feel that you're all heart... somehow still you are

like 'hope' - i am totally quiet on this one here.

like 'reality' - why doesn't the world embrace it? why do they all keep running and escaping and leave all the webs everywhere. for others to stumble upon..

like 'decency' - where has it disappeared? OK its not there in the actions, or the meaning. but at least somewhere in the heart, in a fleeting glimpse? No, its just nowhere to be found..

like 'believability' - where do i even begin on this one..

mood

2007-06-06T11:46:00.000+05:30

''There's always room in life for this''

(from Moby's - Extreme ways)

thought for the day

2007-02-22T17:26:00.000+05:30

''The secret to enjoying your job is to have a hobby that's even worse''

- Calvin&Hobbes

2007-02-05T17:15:00.000+05:30

year 2006 was the year when i discovered television and spent considerable time watching it

for the record

another new blog

2007-01-02T13:39:00.000+05:30

for the scribbles and doodles i do while taking a break at work and maybe a few words..

http://the-passive-vein.blogspot.com/

my food blog

2006-12-26T11:02:00.000+05:30

http://food-temptress.blogspot.com/

ps - i cook only vegetarian

2006-11-15T15:03:00.000+05:30

if we need an invention to pep up our moronic lives, i'd vote for something like an 'interest generating chip' embedded in our butts which would keep us rocking till we die.

ofcourse he may say why not leave this to the discovery process. but that is for the idealists. not humans. i say let us each have this chip and have a trigger each time life gets boring. when really we are the ones who get boring, who get silent, who become cribbers, who rot, and die each day. not to mention spread the highly contagious disease.

so dear master of super inventions, i hope you read this or dream this. pls assist your fellow beings to live better lives. thank you.

2006-11-15T14:13:00.000+05:30

I can see the sun from where I sit in my office. I can see it beginning to set. Its still yellow. But its not harsh anymore. I can see the silhouettes of buildings through the window screens. Between me and the sun is a lone plant pot. A few leaves of the plant face me. A few face towards the sun. How do the ones which face me get any sunlight? I certainly do not emit any light. At this point, even if I did emit any, it's more likely to shrivel up the leaves than nurture them. If they told me anything, I'd probably just look at them unfixed, like I was conveniently deaf. Empathy is running real low here. with me I mean. like every year, I think I need a drastic change. one which is yet to happen. weird. what a complete waste of time. of life. maybe I need a job at grass root level to begin to appreciate this. and then maybe not, for this world is comfortably numb. like tyler says, maybe self destruction is the answer. then maybe, who cares for answers. I care for peace, that's all I know. peace of mind. stability of mind. and like all good surreal things, this remains elusive.

2006-10-19T14:20:00.000+05:30

its been an unproductive day. there is no work at workplace. so i am physically sitting here, fulfilling the necessity of sitting all compulsory hours.
how weird is the world's norms. Very. this is proof.

there is not much to day dream about. this is not the environment. its a sealed over conditioned overly lighted room. how does one's floating energies breathe here, let alone fly? how am i to think out of the box here? and to think that my primary job on work days is to use my brains to the fullest so as to do the job which anyone could do. we do not talk about a job well done. in that respect, maybe the number of people who could do this job, would be very few. so we refrain from meaning that a job done should be a job well done. we only mean, a job done is done.

this is a weird place. this is probably the first thought i get each day. is this to suggest that i am incapable of anything else? no, ofcourse not. this is to only say, that i haven't found any other way to earn money till now. that means while i am capable of doing many things, some of them better than this, i am incapable of converting any of those into gold. or money. so i stick to this.

also next time i get the idealist kick from inside, murder me please. this world does not deserve the agony of having to put up with idealists. even the ones who offer practicality in the package deal. no, we just do not want them. we want normal people only. normal you see. with a belly and all. with gas filled up, not conscience.

also in the pipeline are juicy treats and promised glory. so ten years down the line, a certain 16th day of this month of 2006 would be written on stone. are such my levels of glory? you must be kidding. but well, this is the highest which comes here. like the presidents award. we have this award. very important. very big. who cares if my maid still shouts at me and the neighbor's cat scratches me. i got this.

so while i kick some time by trying the next flavour of tea available in the pantry, why don't you drop the sham and spill the beans...

2006-10-19T14:17:00.000+05:30

i am trying to remember what i did on saturday, and how i seem to recollect friday and sunday, but nothing from the day between those....
so while i remember what i can't now, here's the other two days -

friday i went shopping, and window shopped. checked out the new mall, which is nice and different but has the most horrid name 'k magnum hall' in neon lights [that too of the cheap quality]. but it was good checking out 'Guess' and 'Espirit' shops, what a change ...the denim was excellent in 'Guess' and as expected was their price :( . To soothe myself, i decided i can buy a pair /year basis as indulgence [as if the rest of shopping is not but anyways...]. Then had excellent chinese at chung fa which was open. In my years in Pune, i have yet not been able to figure out when this place remains open, for the shutters always seem down to me. But friday was lucky, so i overate, and in my greed, also got the same dish packed as i'd already eaten , to eat at home later. I did eat half of the tub again when i got home only to fill myself to the limit where i started worrying if i was close to throwing up.

Saturday -

Sunday - Woke up desiring pakoras so went to buy veggies, came back and made gobi, baigan pakora and onion rings and ate them. These were excellent. Since sunday was Ind-Eng champions trophy cric match , so their were no other plans but to wait for 2:30pm. Efficiency seemed to be flowing and i decided to 'utilise' the 1 hour i had before the match started to try go about someplace which would give me a haircut even though i had no appointment. I tried a new salon and am very pleased with the results. Rushed home and settled down with the TV on and a book. I cannot watch cric as the only activity. Prepared yummy snack plate of haldiram dal+onions+tomatoes+aaloo+peanuts+lemon. With coke. Again, i think i overate. Watched the match and read for a while and then ate the aaloo parantha [which maid has made in morning] with paneer sabzi. This was yummy. While match hota raha. Book bhi hoti rahi. Had some tea in the evening. Match khatam hote raat ho gayi. Dinner was veggies stir fried and mixed in a quick top ramen. This did it. I had just eaten too much and i have decided to restrain next time.

I now remember what was saturday. Well, a friend's bike which had been left under n's care was to be given for servicing. So, we went to FC road and gave the bike around 1pm. They said to take it at around 5:30pm. So we decided to be outdoors till that time to save making trips home and back and then home. Ate dosas for brunch with Limca [papa ko yaad karke]. Then in the heat, only thing which could be done was hit the movies. Saw back to back shows of 'You, me and Dupree' and 'Flyboys'. Liked both, although Flyboys was nicer. Bike was ready by then. Went home after getting one heart attack per minute in the horrendous traffic. Being a rider is the worst, all you do is sit on the bike and worry who's going to hit you :( I was scared enough to surprise myself.
That was weekend.

2006-09-28T13:48:00.000+05:30

i see so many children, teens writing blogs...and i can't help wish we had the blog world when i was a kid too. now i wrote those diaries then, which am sure many people back then did. but not the online thingie...and to imagine be a kid and have events and happenings and learnings and jokes and crushes and trailers and gossips and wonder and be carefree enuff....and then be able to write...

before we got a job and became boring and complaining and twitching and sad and gloomy adults. cribbing. and not doing anything to make life interesting but cribbing about it. by laughing at dreams. and by losing that sense of carefree wonder. and also shaming those who still indulge in it...

yes, if i had to choose an age when i'd liked to have blogged most, i would choose my school years. the years of a work-in-progress called me. because the difference now is that the work is going on, but the progress is very slow.

and my opinion could change, on another spirited day but the above would still hold true.

2006-08-14T11:19:00.000+05:30

Years back I used to write letters to my dad. We were living in different cities and although the mobile revolution kept as connected after every gulab-jamun or chole or paneer we'd eaten and reported, we still kept in touch via the snail way. The thought occurred to me now, that this process has stopped in totality. And it has been years since this has stopped. So all in all, I am clueless in the time chaos of when the letter writing was active, even though sporadically, and when it demised without my notice. The catharsis here also leaves me to wonder at how the process has ended from both receiving ends. Does this mean that only one of my dad or me was the initiator and the other receiver. And either one died, and led to the other's death?

Sad how memory runs yonder when I am not wearing my contact lens.

I can't remember the last time I had been to the post office. Well, seems I’d spend more money sending anything which accounts as non-e-mail via couriers as the happy chaps come and collect it from me and save me the trouble of going over. I am no longer sure of where apart from the post office would one be able to get postage stamps. And that even if I got them, whether a letter would carry a 1-rupee stamp or has inflation brushed past this as well?

In no case am I getting nostalgic over the lost art of letter writing. And this is weirder. I feel nothing over it and no emotions cross me while I write this. The lost art seems to have moved beyond being lost. It’s extinct. So much so that if I ever have kids, I’d perhaps have to turn to the 'Letters' section of the encyclopedia and show them of how the previous generations found the art and then lost it in time. I will perhaps get that 'eyes in wonder' look from my kid when I admit I did also write letters once upon a time....

Well, I do wonder of how they used pigeons.

2006-06-06T11:27:00.000+05:30

living in a big city

i realize i can't step out of my house and hope to walk into fields. there are none. i could only walk into more shapes evolved out of concrete.

i realize even though i live in a city which has a river flowing through it, i can hardly feel the river effect. the structures have sprouted everywhere, the waters are polluted, the beauty lies crouched beneath bridges and shadows of the civilized world around.

i realize we do not believe in the concept of public parks. for any flat piece of land could reap those millions for the already millionaire builders.

i realize i cannot cycle without the fear of being killed by the thundering traffic and public transport buses. and i cannot find a place devoid of mindless traffic.

i realize the proximity to nature is limited to the trees and a little more green still surviving.

living in a big city
living in all comforts
but living with no life around

we are a big city
and this is the price we have paid

2006-05-19T15:55:00.000+05:30

delight.

i use a green highlighter pen. the lights are out and the green pen and the green ticks on the papers in front of me are all looking a funny yellow. and i am really liking it. everything else is looking gloomy. only the yellow on the white is striking and i am watching it with the delightful eyes or a 4 year old.

as i write, the lights are back, and i see the usual green ticks again....nothing lasts forever...

the mood is nice. and i see lots of clouds in the sky through my window.

that it's friday and the weekend is ahead makes me want to say tra-la-la-la-la out loud. LOUD.

but i will squeak a tiny yay! for now and get back to work...

yay! yay!

2006-05-17T16:12:00.000+05:30

Such a want for rain.

A big downpour, the Mumbai type baarish. Of course, I want to be sitting curled up at home by the balcony door, just watching it, fall in multi sized drops, looking all the same, a transparent sheet in the view. Smelling the rich earth, and sipping good coffee. Watching the leaves on trees sparkle and rejoice in the seasonal bath.
Eyes glazed in the distance and the mind soothed for a while, in awe of the white spread.
The sound of raindrops falling appealing as traffic lessens and human race disappears looking for shelter.
I can almost touch the rain and feel a shiver…

This is the middle of summer, intense heat, and I get this feeling like I am missing the rain, like it’s pouring for me and that I am not feeling it enough….

And life. How often do I get this feeling like I am missing life right in front of my eyes, not touching it enough, not watching it closely…

Such a want for rain.

And stagnation. The seasonal bath that washes away all stagnation and cleanses the spirit and recharges the numbing cells. How I wish not to sink further in this debris, in this monotony I call a routine. When I am probably, already at rock bottom. Can I let the rain flood this pool, and give myself a chance to get out?

Time to rise, is it? Time to feel the shiver…

Such a want for rain. For life, for a change…

2006-05-17T12:19:00.000+05:30

Just a smile does it...

2006-05-04T12:44:00.000+05:30

of the mails we get from the top brass informing about others joining in the top clan, almost all men (considering v few women join in as the king of the jungle) are married with wives who are homemakers. now being a homemaker is not being a lesser mortal but having said that, one would in most cases choose to believe that all these very accomplished men have fairly educated wives carving out a niche somewhere......now i don't know why most choose to be at home....

· is it that the finances are taken care of, but is this the only reason one works for and wouldn't working for the sake of working be anyday better when worrying about the bills does not figure ;

· is it being available to attend dos and events and socials at the drop of a hat with there husbands overrules them having any professional engagements ;

· or why is that (apart from financially) a lot of women juggle work and family without the help of any full time help (i don't like the word servants , thankfully the army induces the word 'help' ) whereas a lot of these accomplished men's homemaker wives have drivers and maids and full time or not full time but very good help at hand , and yet they boast about looking after 'the home husband and children' when i would think they'd have more constructive time ;

· and why does everyone speak well of the 'homemaker' who attends all the parties but gossips about the working wife who missed the dinner due to a better commitment ......

exceptions are always there, and that is not the point here.

i don't know, but women , especially accomplished women wasting there life (which is defined as sitting by the window looking at the manicured grass and thinking, oh yeah sitting on that grass is another world, but i have my very comfy couch) makes me quiet......and sad in its way.....

2006-04-27T11:55:00.000+05:30

(1) i think that we should keep our gobs sealed when it isn't really necessary to exhale certain trains of thought which are cryptically voiced out, leaving a severed understanding.
especially when the environment is jolly , and the adjectives are all happy.

(2) i also think it takes a lot, to keep away from unnecessary unhappiness and wasted moments.
wasted moments thanks to the silence which hangs, and the distance which creeps in, and the body that cringes, and the eyes that lose the twinkle, and the smile which is forced...

(3) i also think that one must open one's gob (thereafter) and clarify point (1) when the thought was 'xyz' and the expression resonated 'abc' so as to prevent the occurrence of point (2) happening.

i would like to say here, for no one's information but only as a reminder to myself, that i fail miserably executing point (3) and then (2) is almost inevitable.

it has nothing to do with ego. or sudden loss of speech. i get quiet and sad myself, perhaps at my first execution gone haywire [point (1) --->leading to point (2) ]. it kind of cripples my otherwise verbose neatly laid out expressive stream of thoughts.

i do think i speak my mind quite well.

but i also know when i do not speak my mind well, i ruin it pathetically.

2006-04-18T17:59:00.000+05:30

today is a day when i am very excited.
like i can feel the raindrops falling over parched leaves and
them turning green in joy [when actually the sun's merciless
outside].

i have no agenda, no plan. i will be doing nothing exciting. i
will leave office, go buy vegetables, go home, try to find news in between
all the advertisements in times, walk around the house...
i may probably not even do the usual, i may do nothing and bore myself, or end
up sulking...

but i am feeling very excited.

feelings are a funny thing. surely.

i have visions of cooking a sumptuous meal today. the past is
evidence to such plans fizzing even after all the raw materials
were in place, and she had gone over all the steps , including
garnishing in her head. 'her head'. and the end witnessed the only steaming
bowl of the-maggi-more-than-2-minutes...
but that doesn't stop me right 'now' to do my head work...

on a particular day like this i could get into the chatting
mode. the excitement would act as an ideal catalyst to be
verbose, and gossipy, and witty and silly..but surely i will not be
meeting/seeing anyone today. so how does the nonsense spill
out..where where

my eyes are twinkling. i can feel it. and i look left and right,
and even though there is nothing nice to observe, nothing much to consume,
but everyone [even the morons] are seeming very nice and
acceptable ...

feelings are funny. they are moody.
they erupt when you're stashed stuck lazy . especially lazy. when you will have
laid it all out nicely in the head but, only there....alas
they seem to hide - i mean the exciting nice feelings seem to hide when
you're having a bad day waiting for a spark inside of you to
brighten you up. they particularly cannot be found when
everything and everyone seems obnoxious and you wait for magic
to brighten things up..

oh these silly silly moody unaccounted unrealized feelings..

talk about being whimsical
talk about sulking in the end...

2006-04-10T16:36:00.000+05:30

What Color Is Your Lucky Underwear?

http://www.blogthings.com/whatcolorisyourluckyunderwearquiz/

How Scary Are You?

http://www.blogthings.com/howscaryareyouquiz/

2006-03-28T16:37:00.000+05:30

a long long break is what i wish. and rain.
how much i am missing the rain today ? lots.

the screen on my window makes me feel like it's never a new day.
its the same view. over and again. each day.
the same blue. making it all look exactly the same.

and i can watch the population zoom zoom away
men women cattle

india is such a buzzing place. sacchi.
if there is one place in the world where activity is actively
alive, its here. its refreshing in its own way.
you can sit on your balcony and just watch the world go by.
and you can never get bored. the images change so fast.
the promise never dies. of a new sight.

children running.
cars honking.
endless traffic.
traffic jam.
someone spitting.
trees watching.
clouds hovering.
men working.
women working.
men walking.
cattle trodding.
aeroplane flying.
kites flying.
dirt flying.
guards idling.
smoke rising.
someone shouting.
doggies barking.
doggies pooing.
men peeing.
children pooing.
[please it's not all dirty]
big trucks roaring.
poor cycles struggling.
young guns speeding.
advertisement boards tanning.

the sun rising.
the sun blazing.
the sun glaring.
the sun setting.

and its bedtime soon.

2005-12-25T04:06:00.000+05:30

Somebody's missing - is it ?

Presence. Proximity.

The tricks the mind plays. And the moves we dance to.

'Where is you' ? I ask. And i muffle the whispers, 'Where am i' ?
I am confident of myself, my disbelief in absense. Of self. Of soul.
I am here. 'Ain't i', always ..

She is missing. He is gone. They walked by. They never came. We never met.

The long road. The never ending walk. In company. With self.

War heads. Flying objects.
Selective memory. Selfish rememberances.

Makes me think if missing isn't all about the 'I' in 'I miss you'...

2005-11-17T18:18:00.000+05:30

and do you ever wonder about your liberation...

and who shall set you free...

2005-11-16T23:41:00.000+05:30

of the lady who's at the bus stop each morning with the same inscrutable expressions. she
never would smile at you. but you look out for her. still. each day.

the cleaning help you've never met. but you know with the crease in the linens she's been
there, the same lady.

its the supermarket you visit every then and now. and you see the security guard's a different
fellow. and you wonder where the other chap went. and you keep looking out for him each time
you pop in now.

you know when it's another boy delivering the morning paper if there's an extra fold in the
paper, and you frown at that.

they're the two dirty dogs, stray who come almost as close each morning. and you avoid them
and yet you look for them if they're not there, trying to pounce on you.

you look into the hairdressers who opens real early each day when you walk to work. the only
shop open in the high street at the hour. and you look in each day.

there are cracks in the wall that don't always upset. never mind if they show even after the
walls are freshly painted. they smell of home.

the apparently insignificant bits that waltz into your daily schema. and stay. and become
fixtures, so much so that there absence makes you feel like you've lost your favorite
something, or didn't meet the nice someone.

where life is a rush and ghosts linger under your bed;
where too much noise and silent screams fight for the same prize;
where parasites and pests attack for your attention;
where no change and too much of change are at tug-o-war -
it's the insignificant dailies that in a way connect as disassociated figments and offer
familiarity in a strange lonely world..

2005-11-15T22:18:00.000+05:30

and this is what Shuchita sent today -

Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.

2005-11-15T00:01:00.000+05:30

introspective
reminiscent

and that is the mode.

after all, this year is leaving.....and another one at the door.

2005-11-07T23:23:00.000+05:30

it isn't necessary that we miss the people we like/love.
but we [usually] always like/love the people we miss.

**sectioned under 'Arbit fundas' - how to find whom you really like/love**

ps - the word 'Arbit' has been embedded in the system since college. Anything which cannot be classified and even that which could be classified could come under the umbrella of this word. The usage of this word is highly flexible. The root lies in the word 'Arbitrary', details of which have been lifted from webster's -

Arbitrary
Main Entry: ar·bi·trary
Pronunciation: 'är-b&-"trer-E
Function: adjective
1 : depending on individual discretion (as of a judge) and not fixed by law
2 a : not restrained or limited in the exercise of power : ruling by absolute authority
2 b : marked by or resulting from the unrestrained and often tyrannical exercise of power
3 a : based on or determined by individual preference or convenience rather than by necessity or the intrinsic nature of something
3 b : existing or coming about seemingly at random or by chance or as a capricious and unreasonable act of will

2005-11-04T19:58:00.000+05:30

[eminem quotes]

''To the people I forgot, you weren't on my mind for some reason and you probably don't
deserve any thanks anyway.''

''Sometimes I'm real cool, but sometimes I could be a real asshole. I think everyone is like
that.''

2005-11-04T19:56:00.000+05:30

question for the day -
when was the last time you did something for the first time?
[read this on some airlines/airport]

well i tried a fag, and realised i quite liked it. tried it again, and did not get repulsed. but i know all too well i did it for i wanted to try it. no desire to take it up.

2005-11-02T23:11:00.000+05:30

i know what a support system is.

i understand it is [probably] essential to have a support system.
i have been often told one must have one.
i have often realised i don't have one [by choice?].
i also realise i keep dwindling between 'do i need one/ want one'.
i am far too aware of the meaning of the word 'self-reliant'.
i am also aware of the downside of the same word.

so in theory, if someone would ask me, should one develop a support system, i'd say, yeah....it's the ideal thing to do.

and then, theory is simple. always.

so thought for the day - develop a support system
question for the day - do you have a support system

for now i'd say Amen to that.

2005-11-01T23:34:00.000+05:30

a few examples from 'how to fool yourself - a guide to a happy life'

#1
when you find yourself stuck in a traffic jam, get philosophical and think in detail about
your purpose in the traffic jam, is it to smell the flowers ; is it to slow down the rush in
life ; is it to practise some self-control techniques by trying to refrain from cursing and
abusing the jam, and that you're getting late to meet the only date you were going to meet
in the last 6 weeks. think if it's a blessing in disguise, maybe you were going to be stood
up by your date. or is it to sit back and ponder if your life's become like the bumper of
your car ? are your 'head'lights on ? is your steering too hard ? what about the brakes ?
imagine your life to be a car where every part corresponds to an aspect of your life.
evaluate if you need a servicing more than the car.

#2
when you find yourself singing ONLY in the shower, especially when you're alone in the
house, tell yourself you're using the bath for enhanced acoustic effects. all great singers
did this, and this is proof that you've got the IT factor. start spending religious &
quality time [alone] in the bath. and let that voice out. also buy all the britney & raghav
[if you've not heard of him, you have a long way to go, but you'll get there in the end]
cd's and listen to them every waking hour [and sleeping hour as well]. look like them, talk
like them, worship them. know you're the next one. you've got it in you, and for this world.
so keep it going in the bath, let it be your stage.

#3
when you're jobless, or have been a failure, tell yourself you could be a new age guru. this
is the easiest and quickest way to earn big money, and also earn respect. this is also the
quickest way to meet the rich & subsequently rich and dumb life partner. do know that all it
takes to be a guru is to pick out THE words from a Westers or an Oxford and write 5
self-help books titled -
a) where the birds don't fly - the 10 step guide to creative freedom
b) maximising the minimum inputs - the art of living a smart life
c) 51 ways to Neverland - how to keep the child in you alive
d) bombs and biscuits - how to tame a monstrous dog
e) the couch & you - how to love your relationships
after the above, life will be a smooth ride, and you can take private sessions for anyone, and quote anything, even if it doesn't make sense it won't matter. for you've been accepted, and established.

#4
when in any miscellaneous doubt, simply tell yourself you're Michael Jackson's 'Nose'.
imagine the whole world knows you, you've got millions invested in you, you're the subject
of interest of the highly acclaimed critics around the world, and most importantly, unlike
anything/any-being/any-entity on this earth, you indeed are 'unique', the only one of it's
kind. if this doesn't trigger you to cloud 9, go die, for you're not worth being a fool.

2005-10-31T22:52:00.000+05:30

ok. so you do things quite foolish. like stand on the tram stop for 25 minutes when it's pouring like mad. when you could be sitting warming your feet indoors on a [cozy] sunday. you did contemplate how intelligent would it be to step out in the wind & water. Reasoning resulted in turning a blind eye to mother nature. The trigger was weeks of a life confined to home-office-home run.

now the shoes are soaked. the umbrella's only a sham. all dogs are by the fire and all the cats are sleeping. i must say that it gives immense moral support to know there's a lad [without an umbrella] standing next, also waiting. It's very comforting. he's the only human company, well, not really in person, but in his presence. the roads are clean and wet and deserted. but for an occasional car.
for a few minutes, i get the pangs. what am i doing here ? but i know home wouldn't have been a home, but a cage, not now. so i pacify myself and wait for the tram which comes at it's usual time, but takes FOREVER to come.

there are lots of people on the tram. now this is fantastically re-assuring. i'm not the only one. and there are a few of them alone too. yay! the pangs are dying out. i am beginnning to watch the drops fall on the window. the ride is 20 minutes. there are men. women. no dogs today. good perfume. cheap perfume. mr 'grumpy' the conductor [he could be a sweetheart, but this is his visual impact]. a girl is sitting next [wasteful oservations - has a 4GB lue color iPod, listening to prodigy, white puma shoes, blond, samsung mobile, white unzipped bag, white trainer socks]*. she's on the right which is by the window. and i'm onto her left so the inevitable peek-a-boo. the window's full of mist now, can't see much, so now just look inside. nowhere in particular. uninterested glances. a bit alone. thinking if i should listen to music [and can't believe laziness reigns and i do not take out the player from my bag, but keep on contemplating this till the destination].

hit the destination.

action time. slow start. like a lazy warm up. but soon i am up & running. shopping. constantly reminding myself not to uy either of trackpants, socks or jackets. it's a daze. girls have too much put out for them in shops [NB majority is TRASH]. all glitz. like all that glitters is too much gold. boys have relatively less but ALL good stuff. for the 100th time, i wonder when they'll put some of those awesome tee-prints on girls tees. sheer sexism, this..

the place is rimming with human beings of all age groups, all shapes & sizes, all widths & lengths & diameters. joyful faces, and tired faces. people hogging. people laughing. babies crying. and babies sleeping. soon i don't even know if there were any pangs. all the color, all the splash. shopping progresses at a nice pace. i buy nice things. i eat a quick lunch. i get back to wait for the tram [4 hours 20 minutes have passed since i came]. the weather's cleared. mother nature is all smiles. the sky is as pretty as it can get. orange, yellow & golden clouds. a gentle breeze. this time's the iPod's out and so what more can i ask for. it's a happy wait. there is no hurry. no pangs. no rush. the tram comes in 15 minutes, and it seems to come too soon. i get on, get a seat. a window seat. clear glass. people are now invisible. and i look out of the window. music plays. home comes soon.

moods change. and the heart beats. life is beautiful. as always.

and this is how a gloomy rainy day becomes a very happy day.
and in the end, it's all that matters.
: )

*if she got kidnapped, this could be helpful i think

2005-10-28T22:48:00.000+05:30

as kids* we are much better off, in the sense that our goals are usually like -
i want to be an astronaut, a writer, a painter and ______ [fill in the blank]

[going by the indian system]
one fine day, we become this 'someone' [goal #1], or 'someone else' [if goal #1 not met]

but what after that ?

by the time one grows up, everything we thought of 'back then', has changed by 'now'......and goals become increasingly subjective - i want peace, i want time, i want love, i want happiness etc etc.......and the rest all becomes mere mediums to reach these goals, or worse still, just for a living.

growing up.

*ignorance is bliss.

**how does one keep it all simple ALWAYS**

2005-10-28T22:12:00.000+05:30

and i forgot the Question for the day -

Are you aware of what you FEEL ?

2005-10-28T22:07:00.000+05:30

Discoveries -

It is possible to be alive and kicking and FEEL ''Ok'' with the following -

1. drasticaly reduced milk intake
2. not wearing wrist watch
3. having read 1 book in all (that too remaining half) in over a month

and somehow, this discovery is assuring [unlike many which are disturbing] for no particular reason

hmm

2005-10-28T22:06:00.000+05:30

NEVER SAY NEVER

2005-10-27T23:05:00.000+05:30

I don't love you.

I don't love you, anymore.

I'm not in love with you.

I can't love you.

I couldn't love you, ever.

I never loved you.

How could i love you.

A very deep distinct meaning behind each.....quite a bit of shit. Wondering still where the wierdo thought came from, but whatever - this is the space for it.
[Though a good comical story around each would be fun to pen..]

Anyhow, Question for the day -
What is the best part of your each day ?

2005-10-26T17:34:00.000+05:30

random...

ate an assortment [read lunch] - potato & leek soup, salad box, 2 cheese & tomato sandwiches, 1 pack of crisps...the tummy's full but not satiated :(
...and the dairy milk bar

no comments on work

seems like i am in 15th century re exposure to THE internet. reason: as always, no time

have not written mails to acquaintances since long. confirms i don't care. and don't bother other than for close chums. which is how it should be [strong personal opinion]*
*subject to change once in a decade

living on music [when i don't]..but 24*7 of the non-office hours
current mode: rap r&b

sunshine: frequent. defining word - angel light : )
wind velocity: high but not destructive in nature
rainfall: infrequent. no hailstorms. just drizzles

discovery of the year - clarity is directly proportional to cynicism*
* deserves to be elaborated sometime

new years is approaching...

my friends are nice people. i am paying attention to them...

what i need now: a big mug of strong hot chocolate [acchi wali]

what hasn't been touched in a while -
paints and canvas

what was recently re-visited -
my diary
this blog

what's new in life - zilch [i am being the complete boring aimless s/w professional i can be right now, every and any excuse - NO TIME]

current target age for retirement: pulled back to 36 from 40

no target age set to quit this profession
no future plans intact, still hovering in dream land. and wonder land.
[and too many stupid ideas land]

too many people cause claustrophobia
....
.
..
...

some cashews at my desk

this seems like a diary entry
this also seems like trash

this is the result of work. and some idiot said, 'work is worship'. i hate him.

why couldn't the world be one big kingdom. and we all prince and princesses.
all fun. no work. all play. no work.

2005-10-23T04:18:00.000+05:30

how many people in this world get you ?

it's like knowing you need to go pee. it's in your system to identify the feeling, and action it.

you find that in the herd , your systems are believable. around them. your processes are ordinary. as they could be. your chains are invisible. and the only things tied are the bondings. a mutual society , where there are only two possibilities. it will remain. it will not die.

the word 'understanding' isn't applicable. for even your shadow could do that, or the maid who mops your tiles.

it is just them, the ones, who know when you wet your pants, without any odour, without the wetness. and they'll get you a change.

they get you over cups of hot chocolate. and over the lanes walked by no real reasons.
over sunday morning church.
over years of spoken silences.

they look at you...and you know... that they know ;
and they know... you know that too.

2005-04-27T17:21:00.000+05:30

i guess u reach a stage in the 'complications' web, where -
you're unable to make out if -

1. life's complicating you
2. you are complicating life
3. neither you, nor life is complicated, it's all your stupid imagination

(and ofcourse i'd hate to know it's all point 3 !!!!!!!!)

*sighs*

2005-04-14T18:29:00.000+05:30

whyever so ?

now went out during lunch hours to buy a bag. well, that's not the point here.
as usual walking by people, rather walking by smokers, got some of the stuff up my nose as well.
now i am not a smoker, but what i cannot understand is -

in india, a similar wiff used to really trouble my nostrils, and i didn't really like it. but ever since i came here, and anytime i became a victim to passive smoking, i have realised -
1. it doesn't trouble me much - neither as a smell, nor the affect
2. at times infact it is anti-repulsive (now i didn't want to use the other word)

and i have no idea of why so

1. is it coz' it's colder here (this i have been telling myself is reason no 1)
2. is the quality of cigs better, uhh, filter, and whatever (i wudn't have any idea about it)
3. is it that i have suddenly developed a liking to the smell (i do not think it's this, as i don't like the same smell when it's trapped in lifts, but then...)
4. none of the above - i have just forgotten the 'actual' smell of the same back home ?

well this is not important though, just a thought which i get each time here.....

off to a vacation after months.......so that's what's important right now.
i guess the wiffs and puffs can all be ignored !!

2005-04-12T21:19:00.000+05:30

my blog page is empty.......eeks, where the hell has everything disappeared.
shall wait till 2moro i guess.

2005-04-08T17:16:00.000+05:30

now, with all due respect to maharastrians, this is a 'conversation' i recently had the privilege to have with an absolutely people-i-can't-stand-category-money-oriented-creepy type guy -

q - question from [him]
s - statement from [him]
() - thoughts in my mind

to cut the long story short, i have not included my replies, as they hardly accounted for more than 'yes, no, hmm, etc etc'

q . are u a maharastrian
s. oh! so u r not a maharastrian (as if such a pity, and i belong to the scum of the earth)
q. how long have you been in pune
q. so how long have you been here [abroad - for work]
q. how long have you been in [my company name]
q. what do u do for your dinner (munch leaves)
q. do u live alone here
q. what about in pune
s. (after getting the 'yes i live alone in pune') - oh, u live alone (another 'scum of the earth' look)
s. i came here in my probation (so what shud i do, clap? and is that an achievement? now u have hopped so many companies, until u found one ready to send u abroad, so is that something to be proud of)
q. what's your surname (shutt upp)
q. (after realising i am a punjabi) how come u r a vegetarian (now was there a rule) (again i get the 'scum of the earth' look)
s. some detailed discussion on maharastrian castes, and asking me if i know of them (now how the hell shud i know)
q. is mona punjabi a caste (shuttttttttttt upppppppppp)
q. whats ur caste (stoooooooooooooooopppppppppppp)
s. my wife is not joining me here (so what can i do)
s. she says she's been working since 3+ years in the same company, unlike me, hopping about, so she doesn't want to chuck it (atleast she has sense, but spare me your personal storieeees)

and so it went. bloody hell.
was this a conversation or a questionnaire or an interview??
have ppl lost the art of talking/ or only i cannot relate??
is this being social??

heck. i think am fine the way i am.

2005-04-07T15:04:00.000+05:30

watched Braveheart yesterday FINALLY - yes, i had not seen it till date !!
and this hooked first - when young wallace's father's soul says to him -
'your heart is free, have the courage to follow it'

ah i wish......

and then there is this stupid word 'practicality' and worse of it, i know its meaning
so this constant battle to follow what the heart says, and then again, practicality butts in.
also another thing they say - try and maintain a balance between these do.....what the heart desires and what the mind directs!

i wish no one had ever laid out these protocols..........or even these thoughts to think over.
i wish at times, we were still all uncivilised (for this civilised state we are in is no wonderland), untamed, pre-historic, whatever (this is what is an 'escapist syndrome effect', he he he).........

just free
free free free

page - lift

2005-04-06T20:08:00.000+05:30

In an effort to escape from a sudden pour of extreme bori-yat, i finally obliged myself by changing the template.
as usual foremost thanks to ^C and ^V
then thanks to the blank template i got ready-made, so had to work extremely less

Now this may appear too blank and all, but the splash of colors was getting too much for me.
I like the nothingness in this one more appealing.

Atleast until this doesn't appeal anymore at all / i suffer from another pour of extreme bori-yat
this is here to stay !!

oF sMells & sPells

2005-04-01T16:08:00.000+05:30

now it's usually fun to watch people in trains or buses or any other public transport.
its fun to watch them, their antics, their facial expressions, their twiches. whatever.
but is it perhaps a bit too much to know their presence constantly due to their SmeLLsss?

now the last weekend, as i was travelling by train, and was sitting in the waiting room at the stockport railway station for a connecting train to stoke-on-trent, in walked a middle aged woman, dark complexion, (overly) dressed for a dinner/party on a weekend, with enough luggage towing for a month long vacation. she had short cropped hair, big big eyes, dark red listick on her, gold earrings, rather loops swishing each time she moved her head by even 2 degrees, gold rings, some artificial junkyard kind necklace, mustard color jacket, a flowered top beneath, and denim jeans....not to miss high heeled black sandals.

now why i got to take such a detailed look on her was the (obnoxiously) (stenching) strong perfume smell that floated in the waiting room as she walked in, and set herself. It felt like being in a chamber about to explode due to the strong smells emanating from a source who seemed obviously oblivious to how much attention she was getting.......now as a few things take a little too long to get away, when finally the train arrived, and i took my place, glad to be rid of the 'aromatic bath' i had just had, i found myself sitting across.....yes, no mystery here, 'her' and the 'perfume' again. But, i was in for a shock..........for apparently, atleast to her, she wasn't yet all done and pretty. Out came her little make-up kit, more dark layers of lipstick on top of the many layers that already were, she did her eyebrows, did some powder............and i was praying in between my sly looks, that no, please do not take any little bottle out, no...............and ofcourse out came the style statement, or maybe her favourite parfume........and then the train car became the same chamber, much worse this time, for the conditioning inside the car trapped the smells ; 'hypnotising aromas' making you reel, making you want to drift to sleep, making you want to tell her - lady, you look and sMeLL divine, InFAcT, we all smell the same now :( perhaps mission accomplished !! (do you wanna stop) / (do you wanna pack that demonic bottle in your purse again)

people you watch, ah! yes. but those you get to smell!

and what i am still figuring out till now, is why the hell i didn't get up, move to another train car? why didn't i? or was i actually reeeeeeling under some hypnotic smell, naaa, a spell :)

Morning glory

2005-03-24T18:37:00.000+05:30

in a way, I love my hurried mornings, and whoever says they're horrid, can go rot !

now its hard to imagine a morning and the getting-ready-for-work without -

struggling to wake up -
after the repeated sly looks at the table clock, and squeezing '5 more minutes'.....until you cannot fool yourself any longer, and get up, already knowing that it's once again late !
(this is where you are going over the sequence of all the activities which need to be done before you are finally done)
(this is also where you wish you weren't staying alone, so atleast another hopeful soul or even a faithful pet would have pulled you from the bed)
(this is also the only time you vouch not to fall to the temptations of the xtra '5 more minutes' the next day)

commotion -
and yes, even if you stay alone, there is enough. I shudder to think what happens in a working family !
(this is where there isn't anyone else to throw your work to, or shout at for crossing you, or hoping of a meal set for grabs)
(this is where you are doing zig-zag in your mind, yes, that' where the commotion is)

juggling multiple activities -
put the iron on, make the bed, in between, go put some music (before thinking multiple times if you can spare the precious seconds with the CD player), hit the bath, and suppress the desire to keep standing in the shower forever, make breakfast (after having struggled with the decision of what to eat - cereal, bananas, toast? Heck.....Just some milk please)......

choosing many dresses and promptly discarding them
in the total time crash scenarios, hunting for the wrinkle free wears
(this is where at times you hope the virtual roomie would mix-match some clothes for you)
(this is also where you wish for the nth time you could wear the easy jeans to office)

last minute mess ups/ goof ups/ worst case : absolute f*** ups -
oops, spilt it on my white shirt/ oh no, a perfume blot, now whatever next can I find in the last 2 minutes
(this is where time stands still, you curse your carelessness, and finally rush back to the cupboard to dig 'whatever' out)
(this is also where you look at your wrist watch like a zillion times over)
(this is also where you realize the 'eternal' time gap between 8:10 and 8:13)
(this is where you wish all other clocks were behind yours)
(this is where you scream - STOP thinking about the time for your own sake, and get that shirt on girl)

finally the lights switched off, a fleeting glance in the corridor mirror just as you rush out, fumble the keys, lock the door, check the lock, and turn around, and walk ahead !

the morning mess has been dealt with. Out walks the same 'calm' me each day. Everything else has been locked behind the door ! It's time to get some sunshine now !

ps - now, for all those who think this indicates an unorganised person............well I'd like to say, take life a bit easy, and get to some tasks on the spur, and sit back later, and amuse yourself with the delightful and ingenious way you get by the morning ! and leave the planning to other serious tasks ;

let each new morning be a new day in the earnest, and not a sequential simulated chain reaction !

2005-03-23T17:00:00.000+05:30

i really want to change the way this page looks. off late it's appearing to me as if a lot of unnecessary color have been sprayed here and there.

i just want a blank white page.

but on this damn comp i am on, it'd take ages to even do that change, so this goes in the TBD lists !

Short lessons on change

2005-03-22T21:46:00.000+05:30

read this somewhere -

Chapter 1.
I walk down a street and there's a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall
in. It takes forever to get out. It's my fault.

Chapter 2.
I walk down the same street. I fall in the hole again. It still takes
a long time to get out. It's not my fault.

Chapter 3.
I walk down the same street. I fall in the hole again. It's becoming
a habit. It is my fault. I get out immediately.

Chapter 4.
I walk down the same street and see the deep hole in the sidewalk. I
walk around it.

Chapter 5.
I walk down a different street.

2005-03-21T22:08:00.000+05:30

i would say these 3 would hold up all that sums up each person's life

there are things in life one does /

other things one really wants to do, but doesn't get to do /

and still other things one doesn't want to do, but does.

2005-03-21T18:39:00.000+05:30

Now even a person who's met me 2-3 times, may comment on my having gained/lost weight (in my case its always lost though)
or people may say 'oh u look familiar...have we met before'
or even a stranger couldd take a look and tell me 'oh, u got dark circles under your eyes girl, not sleeping, ill??'
or anyone at all cud tell me 'your clothes are nice', or 'gawd, whatever are u wearing'
or 'new hairstyle, ahaaa'
or, office pals would say, 'your working late, I notice'
and boss would say, 'u can still to do this extra bit, since I notice you’re almost done with......'
always, the friends notice 'I see , whyever the lousy mood'
or neighbor auntie says 'you've been on vacation I guess'
or even the unattached grocery chap says, 'I see you're not buying chips today'

and amidst all that people notice, in a few snaps that you have sent to a bunch of chums, and got the varied good/bad/ugly replies ; there's one reply that says -

I notice that u r not wearing your earrings in the snaps ,why ??

and I am left zapped.
at how little things in life, seemingly unimportant, open our eyes to see that there is always, one person, at any given time, any place, any situation, who always notices the one apparently insignificant thing that actually means a lot to you.

now only such a person could notice that I always wear only these said earrings , since forever. a meaningless note for anyone else but the one who knows. and it’s a question of as much concern as would be 'u don't look yourself today, hmmm et all........'

and this is what happened with me today. and I -
felt for a while disbelief that anyone could have noticed such a minority at all
felt I am yet eons behind when I feel 'oh, I know this, happens, all the time, u know.......'

for few things happen quite rare. and always in the unexpected rubble.
only this rubble fills the heart.

thank you dear friend, you made my day today.

clearing 'yawn-derr'

2005-03-01T21:05:00.000+05:30

the bald (i shud say with a shaved head, by choice) guy sitting diagonally across, has just attacked a chocolate, and staring somewhere, but not the comp, so he's also not working, just like me.
lady across, and the lady next to her, are discussing and over-elaborating on the tuna sandwich one had for lunch....i mean this lady almost has the same tuna sandwich each day, how much can one tear it apart...but she can, that too with glad company in another woman.
now the bald guy got up to get drinks for all, suspect he's sleepy, so got a chance to walk around.
another peek, and another 3 ladies are chatting to glory, happily having made a 3-some group.....so they too aren't working.
to the left, another oldie chap is busy checking bbc for the latest football updates (can't make out more from this distance)..
ok the tuna sandwich discussion is suspended, atleast temporarily, as someone has come to speak to talk to the lady who ate the tuna sandwich. not to lose a moment, the other lady has further turned and now talking to another woman.
bald guy is back, with a glass of water for himself. why to carry a tray then? and now he's finally looking at the keyboard, and then the screen, now the keyboard....
the 3 ladies grp has dismissed themseleves, but only in position, they are back at their (neighbouring) desks , and chatting away to glory from there. like 'fort is held', now i can carry on. laughter, cackles.....
now male cackles, and laughter from 3 guys sitting just infront of me.
bald guy has popped a pen in this mouth.
guy sitting next to me just returned, following him is bald guy's gaze. there he just laughed, now turned back at his screen,
clearly not aiming to work.
poor tuna sandwish lady has been led in a technical discussion.
male talk n laughter from one end continues.....

meanwhile, i am feeling a little more awake after these peek-a-boos, so getting back to some technicality.

some clutter, some rubble, backpacks - but mostly me

2005-02-28T20:30:00.000+05:30

since the last about 6 years, i have maintained these annual lists of books that i have read (or re-read) and movies that I have watched (or watched again). the usual trend each year has been more inclined towards books (which i cannot do without) than movies (which i enjoy, but can live without). but that's not the thought here.

watched 2 movies this weekend, and today was adding there names in my 2005 list, and got stuck there wondering about the 'purpose' of this 'habit' that i started one day, a few years back, and religiously follow.

and it occurred, how often do we get back to our 'backpacks'.....
1. it could be such book and movie lists/ or
2. piles of books, so called a collection (mostly gathering dust)/ or
3. audio tapes or music cd's bought over many years (a lot of them out of our taste now, sitting in some box or shelf)/ or
4. a dozen or so scrap books including some thoughts, paper cuttings, clips, abstract diagrams and other zig zag/ or
5. a lot of stationery items, half sticky and broken, lying unused, but carried from house to house/ or
6. other apparent rubble incl - dry flowers, leaves, shells, stones, little show pieces, and other junk....

what am i trying to seize here, i wonder? What’s the purpose here?
1. time
2. moments
3. memories
4. a link to the past (when i see this stuff in the future)
5. an insight into my own personality and how i have changed (or perhaps not) over the years

or perhaps, a bit of it all....

for example -
i look at the tapes i had when i was in early school, and there are a couple of songs from backstreet boys, boyzone, spice girls and other such foolishness (as i think of it 'today') also ; some more typical loud music with no real depth ; and othercluttering songs n albums - i cannot get myself to play these today, at all, and yet they sit where do they do, eating the space, and reminding me subtly of days where perhaps i may have been just carefree enough to play any music, without the pre-notions of how deep it'd be, of whether it would touch my soul or not.

i would like to think today, that i have a good 'tasteful' taste in music. but in many ways, it does point to me, of howjudgemental i am on what i'd like to hear, and what is trash for me ; of the difference i have found over the years in music which is soul-stirring, and music i feel is just for the sake of it........and then i'd like to think that i wish i wouldn't say 'my taste has developed'......i wish i'd just see it as 'my tastes havechanged'......for the bygones must have filled some hours all those years back too, with happiness or whatever.
but i can't help being so critical, of self, and its just a wish.

i also look at the vast book collection i have, and which grows exponentially, always.
i remember my senior school days, when all i read was sheer philosophy, theosophy, and other such stuff, a lot of other ruritarian classics, C&H, and for humour - archie comics.
i also remember the teen years of sidney sheldons, jeffrey archer, agathas and holmes, danielle steel and other fiction.
flashback and the nancy drews, hardy boys, famous five, five find outers, and several other mystery(with no mystery, as I think today) series.
and further back the couldn't-grow-up-without enid blyton's, and the desi comics - chacha chouwdhary, pinki, billu, raman and the lot (a few names have escaped my memory completely for now).......
and all of those zillion other booksthat i got to read, and think about, and grew on......
and then the trasition back to my senior school days, and beyond, till now, and growing more, of books that i like to readnow, and of the sidney/danielle which i read today only when my mind cannot comprehend anything else ; of the comicsand blyton's i love to get back to when i find them hidden and staring a while -
and i think its been long, my relationship with books, they all have been so significant in each phase of my life, thru mychildhood to now - they all have occupied hours and hours of my life, have left imprints, thoughts that have stayed, otherswhich inspired, others which made me dream, and hope, and learn, and most importantly - broaded my vision to see beyond the fence.

...and in the same league the zillions newspaper cuttings i have kept, and pasted in the diaries, none of which i have everthrown out , the other scrap books, and articles, and little gifts which friends and schoolmates, or college mates havegiven, of notes, and chits, and other ink blots......

and all of this, i carry from destination to destination, from one door-step to the other when i move houses, and i wonder at the marvel of how the load has increased, -

and when i close my eyes and look for the ’purpose' ; I realise -
that perhaps, this rubble, this clutter, gives me the privilege of some free space in my mind, which otherwise would have been cluttered with the clutter ;
it gives me the gift of recollecting my past at a glance, than to have to rake my brains ;
it gives me the childhood I have preserved in the collections ;
in the years embedded in each such data, each such list ;
in how much I know about my own self through all the years ; which otherwise memory wouldn’t have done justice to –

and then I can see somewhat clearly, the burden & the essence of my being, perhaps, has been lightened in these literal collections than struggling for space in my mind. i have been able to preserve a past in print, than in the vaporising memories.

And then I am glad, of all my backpacks.

a night divide

2005-02-22T19:59:00.000+05:30

i have slept early, very early at 8 in the evening. and a 4-5 hours of continous sleep is good enough for me, so i am woken up by the re-charged cells somewhere still night. i take my cell from the bedside table, and unlock it to see the time as 00:55....yes that explains why i am feeling fresh enough even in the middle of the night.

i take a few sips from the glass of water, also on the sidetable. the night light from the living room continues to throw the faint yellow glow, only it appears spooky to me for that moment. i'd rather the darkness than this faint glow scattering yellowish spots in a dark background.

i remove the covers, and feel like changing from the half sweater i am wearing to a t-shirt. maybe i am over estimating my own laziness to expect myself to change. i must atleast lower the heating. the radiator is hidden behind the room door and lowering the heating would mean taking off the door stopper, holding the door so it doesn't bang and resonate in the night hush, turning the knob to reduce the heat, putting the stopper again, and all this on the left side of the bed, while i am cozy(and a bit too warm) on the right side. chuck it.

i am too awake, and wonder if repeating alphabets in the reverse would bore me to sleep again. thirst reaches my throat again, and now i need to get up. this is like the few things in life which always take our full attention no matter how much we'd like to skip them. when i feel thirsty at night, i'd run for some water but for a quake. i get up, take the glass, go to the kitchen, run the cold tap water for a while for the water to be chlorine free, and then greedily drink it. i fill up the glass and get back to the bed. the glass gets back on the side table, and i on the right side, under the covers, in the half sweater. i'd be asleep in a while, even if a little warm, but its fine. i think, without any urge, about things i won't remember in the morning. i also notice i haven't dreamt as yet, and perhaps i will when i sleep again now.

the night has been divided by waking up in the middle. waking up loud and clear, and not drowsy eyed and cracking. i am now lying straight, eyes on the black shadows on the ceiling. a few moments, and i decide to pull down the eye shutters and get some sleep, for its office in the morning, and my alarm will be going sooner than i'd know. i unlock my cell once again, and check the time, its 01:07.

and the last thought i remember is i have been awake just over 10 minutes, by the watch that is, and yet the divide seems larger than it is worthy of, perhaps.

Statutory warnings, eh?

2005-02-08T18:36:00.000+05:30

How much do the statutory warning and cautions really help us?

We pay them attention only when we want to - if we desire to, else they're just another word formations on the packs. And the regulations guys think there job is done if the labels are in place. How pathetic is that, who the hell would care unless they'd wish to care? Half the regulations seem fake. When cigarettes, pan masala(was that it?) etc can be sold proudly with these labels, I wonder why they don't sell drugs in similar fashion too - well labeled with similar warnings. Why garb half the stuff, when its all out there. Who gave whom the right to decide which is fatal, how much is fatal - cigarettes yes yes, drugs no no? Is that too radical? Before you think i am dying to get drugs the legal way, nopes, me not on dopes :). I just think we should drop the sham. People who want to take something will take it, no matter the bans, no matter the warnings. They'll find there ways to find it, take it and the rest. Why can't it be just left on the individual to decide? But thats too big a question i guess, what would happen in a lawless land, they'd argue....

A Silent conversation

2005-02-07T17:39:00.000+05:30

a memory from the time lost just flashed. it was one of the best outings i had with a friend of mine during college days.me and my friend milann went out at around 7 in the evening for a quick eat out at pizza hut at mg road. we were both lost in-our-own-world mood that day. took a bus to mg, went to pizza hut, 1st floor, and had an evening which was gr8 for us, wierd for the others staring at us though...coz there was no conversation b/w us the entire evening. after deciding what to eat, there was total silence. lost in our thoughts. but at peace. as if talking to each other, but no need to verbalise any thought. there were no issues to discuss, no questions to ask, no gossip to report, nothing to force out from the system, no necessity of talking and indulging in a verbal speech when all one wants to do is, sit back and relax, no speech, but yeah,
not alone.....somewhere in b/w i realised the waiters were wondering if we are two wierdos, maybe we looked that day, but who the hell cared.....they can't throw you out for being silent, too silent. but it was one of the days that remains embedded in the good-memories sector in my head. in many ways, one of the most peaceful conversations i ever had over a meal.

sometimes, silent conversations are a delight, away from the chaotic verbal world.

2005-02-03T21:24:00.000+05:30

sometimes i feel failed actions are like failed acts on a stage.

you think and think again, on what is the best way, how to do, all those plans, and all those decisions. you feel you've thought well, your estimations are correct, and you are all prepared. your metrics are accurate, your will is intact, your hopes are high, and you work like a dog.

and then somehow you find that when the curtains have been raised, and the act has really begun, you find yourself lost - again. alone. confused. aimless.
standing in front of the audience , your estimations, your ends staring at you, waiting for you to get to the end of the act to meet the applause.

and then the questions arise - if you overestimated yourself, you thought you would not only perform, but out-perform, and here, you stand and stare numb. its wierd where the most statistical estimations crumble without a trace of work put in. how does the audience know what went into the preparations, or how much you labored, how much you worked, they just sit and stare, for them only the performance matters, not the sweat lost. and you stand, shamefaced, unable to deliver a line. it seems meaningless then, like you are in a spin, a web, a confusion so engulfing, that you question your own self, for there is none other to question.

and all you do is stare, and wonder, how???

GET THIS DONE !!

2005-02-02T19:04:00.000+05:30

when i came to the uk, had decided to make a nice scrap book kinda for the places i visit here, people i meet, things that strike. it was to be an all-in-one album kinds (something non-electronic for a change).
i bought a nice book, and then gave myself an excuse for not having some tape/glue to stick the cut-outs, snaps et all. now after about 4 months of this decision, and the book gathering dust, i finally bought a tape 2 weeks back. now everythings
in place, except the final kick of motivation that i apparently need to finally get this thing done. wonder after office, where time goes, the same tv-movies-books-music-cook stuff.
thought if id' write it down, perhaps it'll be done faster than it
otherwise ever would. (the lazy me would stare me in the face)t

thats what this is .......a reminder to GET THIS DONE, the alarm's died long back, its time i get this done.....sigh !!

birthdays are fun :)

2005-01-27T22:21:00.000+05:30

no matter how you've been, and how you are going to be the next day, i finally have to agree that birthdays are fun days, no matter what.
i was wondering how it'd be like in a different country and office and all. back at home, usually get a cake or some eats, and have fun with my office team, and later with my pals. but what a surprise, got these real beautiful flowers from the team here, and everybody gave cards, and no matter how old you get, the excitement and happiness gets to you.not that i've turned very old today, still young by many comparisons.......its my 23rd birthday !!
and for a day, whatever worries/negativities/turmoils that otherwise hit the head can stay away !!and i can remain happy, pampered and loved.
thanks to all my friends, my family, and everybody who make it so warm n special.

about what i'll do once am outta office, dunno, so thats gonna be the report for tomorrow !!

one of the easy days

2005-01-26T19:23:00.000+05:30

at times, even though rare, when there is no/minimum work at office, or other dependencies make me sit like a dull dumbo on my chair, i wonder whats the limit of pretending to work? i can't be net browsing all the while, else questions would arise for sure. nor can i keep my head on the table and doze off (i'd luv too, if it were ok!!). so i just find myself sitting here, staring at this godamned screen, my eyes getting weaker for no good reason, my fingers steadily typing
what-so-evers-in-ma-head, and looking all important, hard working, dedicated, serious and sincere person, doing my job; when what i am actually doing is 'pretending' all of it......not that this is the daily story. but yeah, once in a lucky while works real less, and i am in the no-pressure zone....so there....who's to blame?if only there were some 'legal' ways of passing time when one is free in office, and not having to do time pass on the sly, and keep looking so important (and a hypocrite)......if you ae wondering where the 'guilt' has disappeared, then let me tell you it doesn't surface coz' usually there's always more work, more pressure, too much effort, and less reward scenario, so i take it as ma right to have days with less work...even if on the sly.

and u got it right..........todays one of the easy-sleazy days !!
yawn....where's ma pillow ?

loopy loop

2005-01-26T16:29:00.000+05:30

read something interesting in a book, this is a question which goes in a loop;

if a barber shaves all men who do not shave themselves, who shaves the barber?
.
.
.
.
.
.
if u say 'he shaves himself', then u'r caught,
as

'the barber shaves only those men who do not shave themseleves'
(so if he shaved himself, he's not one of those men who do not shave themselves)
.
.
.
.

if you're getting lost, repeat the lines to digest the web !!
.
.
.
.
next guess - 'he doesn't shave himself, so somebody else shaves him'
.
.
.
you think you caught it, but u'r caught again;

he shaves ALL men who do not shave themselves
(and those who shave themselves, must have shaved), so nobody is left to shave the poor barber, resultant ;
.
.
.
.
question remains - Who shaves the barber??

Reality bites

2005-01-25T15:02:00.000+05:30

we always want to know the truth, atleast most of the times, yet how many times are we capable to taking it?
better still, how many times are we really asking for it?
and when we really 'believe' we want to dig the truth, its usually hinting at something that would cut thru the skin.
(because we blah n blab the easy goodie stuff over n again)

1. how much of honesty is good enuff --
2. how much of truth can we take without falling off --
3. what would be our EQ once i really know all truths --
4. would anyone be hurt by our honesty --
5. then again, can i take the guilt of being dishonest --

most imp, for we are all so self centered
(i dont believe in the concept of selfishness, thats for another blog)

6. whats the price we may have to pay for being brutally honest --

the truth is that more often than not - Reality bites (not to mention that it sucks !!)

on my latest reads

2005-01-12T22:18:00.000+05:30

started this book 'coincidence' which isn't too appealing. the idea is nice, but i don't like the way its written. and good literature must be a good read as well (although a good read may not be good literature).
thinking of swiching to another book on either cleopatra or alexander the great.

a recent read which i likes was - sir paul mccartneys poems n lyrics - from 1965 to 1999.few of the poems are with john lennon, few are the lyrics from there music, but few poems are the never before published ones, and they really are nice. the ones for his wife linda are also quite nice.and reading some lyrics again was also quite nice. (seems like there isn't any other word in my mind right now other than 'quite nice')so this is the latest bestest piece of 'literature' i read.

there were 2 other fictions for time pass and a tired mind -
the ranch - danielle steel. though if u read one of her books, its like u'v read them all. who cares though !!
still water - murder-who did it-wrong person accused-happy ending and the same shit, but written well. blended with the behavior of orcas, whales and all, thats the interesting part to read !!

bored n sleepy

2005-01-12T22:16:00.000+05:30

an extremely boring and sleepy day !!had less work, so majorly bored. a lot of work keeps me busy, even if i would then crib about being tired and all.but this in a way is worse. or probably just so, coz am here in uk. noone really to talk to when i am free, no music to listen to while working, its not allowed here, no mpegs to watch, not allowed here....what a drag !!only thought now after the day is what to cook for my dinner, aaloo-matar and rice probably, with curd. never did this
much cooking as before. even started missing the caterer back at office in india. even though couldn't help cribbing about them while i was there. but atleast could get ready-made-indian lunch. all the things we miss when we don't get them, the usual story of life !!not that i see myself turning a saint and not cribbing about the food in office once am back. i see myself appreciating it all
for a few months, and then sliding in the same routine, well, am human, what to do.just killing the last half hour before i can get outta this office.

Leaf floating on the waters

2005-01-11T19:56:00.000+05:30

If life were a river, and i were wading through it, then my present state of mind makes me feel like i am just wading, no strokes from my end. I just seem to be floating in the waters, not fighting the currents, or taking any course. I just seem to be going where the wind directed waters are going. A sense of direction and purpose is missing for now, and i give myself hopes that its just a passing phase, and i shall find myself swimming with gut again. But deep down, not feeling very positive about this, not getting good vibes.

The waters came up from the mountains last year, and i joined someway along. i thought i'd go far from here, and beyond and end in an ocean somewhere and that would be the end. But these waters seem to be dropping me here, after having carried me for this long, and i am getting this feeling its all going to begin again. I will be left here, and more waters would come again from the mountains, and carry me again for a while, till when, i dunno.....

its all happening again, maybe it was designed to be that way, only i can't figure out what i should do. should i leave the banks and go home if they leave me? or should i wait for new waters?

is life 'living' the certainities/ or is it living 'life' in the uncertainities??

10 different things about uk

2005-01-11T19:17:00.000+05:30

10 different things about uk - cities

1. intersting names for all shops
2. hidden pets n hidden neighbours
3. a good loo with toilet paper everywhere
4. wood - for most of the things in the house/ also for the house panelling itself
5. meat eating pigeons
6. politeness and basic manners
7. sealed houses
8. babies in prams, and never in the arms
9. cigarette butts everywhere, broken beer bottles on the road each morning
10. tattoos and piercing

???? on love

2005-01-10T19:26:00.000+05:30

watched this movie 'the first knight' on the weekend, and wondered after a certain part of the movie. the lead lady is truly in love with king arthur of camelot (sean connery) and is all set to wed him. but as chance would, she meets lancelot (richard gere) who saves her life on more occasions than one, and she gets these conflicting emotions....and finds herself in love with both of them. when arthur finds this out, he tell her - when a woman loves two men, she must choose between the two.

anyways, the movie goes its way, what remains is this thought i have about could such a thing really be possible, is one capable of loving two people in the same manner at the same time?

i think i couldn't love more than one person at any time, though admit that maybe i could like another one, but the intensity sure would be different. if not in the mind but definitely in actions, i couldn't possibly give my efforts n time n love to two people. but yeah, whats important is 'what's in my mind'.

mind attack

2005-01-07T19:46:00.000+05:30

day before i had one of my 'attacks' again.......before you think its asthma or something, it isn't......though its equally chronic.

i just go into this 'over-think' ; 'over-analyse' ; 'over-decipher' ; 'over-complicate' mode, to an extent where my nerves start wrecking, and there is no clarity of thought in where i am, what i am doing, why i am doing, is it what i want, should i have been elsewhere, with whom i am, with whom i am not blah blah and blahs.

its in simpler put words a 'crazy' state of mind and its affairs.
but in reality, its a very 'saddening' state of my mind and its affairs.

things get muddled up so bad, and clarity hits rock bottom, that's when i start losing faith in myself. its such a confused mess then. i question all my choices, all my goals, all my decisions, everything. and only i am the loser, not to mention a sleepless night, and a carry forward of fatigue.

this time around, the 'attack' which i call a 'mind-attack' was one of the worst ever. i am calmer now, but still confused, and with less faith in myself than before.

deliberate attempt to think 'what to think'

2005-01-07T19:38:00.000+05:30

am thinking now about what to think.the options are as many as the stars in the sky, but which one do i want to gaze at right now??

its feeling kind of wierd, because i could just begin thinking without thinking about what to think about (you can hit me for this one, yeahh!!)but at this time, i am deliberately not letting any particular thoughts intrude. and just thinking about what i wish to think about.

resultant, am seeing this empty thoughtless zone, which completely oppposes the idea.
maybe this is one of the most pathetic entries to put on a blog, makes no sense at all, but then, thats what blogging is all about, its about ''all''.........like emptying a bin !!

i buzz myself offf for now, yikkkess !!

bloggging

2005-01-06T19:32:00.000+05:30

i have this thought about how much i can really put in a blog/ or a diary and all. so many thoughts go flash n zoooom even
before i catch them, or get to comprehend them. its like barely getting a peek at your own thoughts.

i've read some bare-all kinda blogs, and somehow can't find myself doing the same - and 'all the world' reading 'all my world' stuff. in a way its the limitation of this mind, coz in essence there isn't really anything thats tooo 'personal', yet thats what it gets to be more often than not.
many of my own thoughts are so called 'tooo personal' for even my own glimpse, so never jot them down, as i myself
don't want to talk a peep at them again.

kinda like a conveyor belt - a place blocks of my life where i can, and just leave parts of the belt empty where i can't

a nice dream

2005-01-06T17:47:00.000+05:30

saw paradise last night....which is a rarity, coz usually i get the shittiest scariest dreams possible.but last night was different. i was moving in a wagon sorta structure through one of the most beautiful garden sorta place....whenever i have a great dream its this one ....kinda recurring. its always this beautiful magnificent angelic idyllic garden, with colors hues butterfiles/ silvers neutrals/threads/floats......its difficult to describe. and these gardens are distinct each time, though the feeling of being somewhere divine is the same.
Its a nice dream...!!

compulsive(!!!obsessions???)

2005-01-04T21:11:00.000+05:30

have u ever done some things, apparent very simple activities, but done them so obsessively that you begin to question why the hell you're doing them??

---i used to have this habit of washing my hands like a compulsive freak till i read that it indicates a pyschological problem, so reduced the frequency since then.

---counting - can't cure this one, count blocks/ patterns/trees/tiles.......and only other place where i hit the same was in an archies comics. jughead had this counting problem, so kinda felt good its ok if it happens.

---try this.....take a paper, put a drop of ink on it, then fold it into half. amazing formations appear, no 2 are ever the same. did this for 2-3 years in my teens, now completely grown over them, but it was a hit !!

try this

2005-01-04T21:06:00.000+05:30

just before sleeping, when the lights are out, bury your face in your pillow such that only one eye is open.

the world appears very different.

Mind-list#1

2005-01-04T20:17:00.000+05:30

This is what i do time to time, esp when too much is going on in my mind, i just jot down the words which i can relate to in the moment;

Green
Desert sand
Away
Snakes
Grey

Hypochondriac Attack

2005-01-04T20:15:00.000+05:30

Latest on my idiosyncrasies is developing serious 'Hypochondria'.

I am trying to invent ailments/diseases in myself, for unexplained reasons.
Hot on the list remain -
Brain tumor
Cancer
Syziophrania
MPD(multiple personality disorder or syndrome , whatevr its called)

The only real problem i truly have/and always had is -
Claustrophobia

and yeah.....looks now.......2nd on the list is this fast eating 'hypochondria'...yelch!!

Absolute Vs Relative

2005-01-04T20:14:00.000+05:30

Was thinking last nite, there is no such concept as 'Absolute'. I'd rather think its all 'Relative'.
Nothing is of absolute nature, each entity is influenced by another around. Even my own self, emotions et all, are not
existing in an absolute. they're more of in a relativeness w.r.t others/enviorn.
Could be a quest to edge for 'absolutenism' (is there any such work??, vl look up oxford later).....but in my understanding
as of now, can't point to anything which is on its own.
The question of 'God'/'Creator'/'Universal power' falling in this category is another debatable issue, not meddling it here !!

Words tipped on an artist's site

2004-12-31T19:10:00.000+05:30

I am not tapping into something else.
I am tapping into me.

We are all part of what has been, is and will be, your description of tapping into is only me seeing what I am a part of beyond the illusion of reality being based on our learned expectations of possibility.

When one is not afraid of being alone, of looking at ones self outside of cerebral thoughts, Of seeing the answer is not coming from somewhere outside their being, but to recognize whatever is, is because it is a part of their consciousness, without it, that point in time, that space that (reality) would not exist. Do not be afraid of illusion or recognizing its part in you, for it is not illusion at all. You will never be able to see what you are until you stop looking for the answer outside yourself.

Stray

2004-12-31T19:00:00.000+05:30

After thinking about what makes my mind work the way it does ;
i have come to the following conclusions that;

-- it is an individual entity, even my intrusion is not allowed
-- it ultimately does what it wants, my actions n efforts do not matter

-- when i am happy, it makes me cry
-- when i am sad, it maked me pretend
-- when i am fine, it makes me scream
-- when i want to scream, it makes me behave
-- when i want to do things, it makes me lazy
-- when i am lazy, it forces me to work
-- when i am sane, it makes me insane
-- when i need to go crazy, it compels me to stay calm

each day i think i am in control, each nite i realise i am being controlled

Whirlwind

2004-12-29T16:09:00.000+05:30

Its like a whirlwind, this mind.When things go wrong, i weep about the mess, and try hard and get it all back on track. It sucks energy, and wrecks my
nerves. You feel like you're in a dead-end tunnel. And after all many turmoils, finally a bright morning.You'd outwardly think all's fine, and now i can relax, but no, this bugger of a mind whirls again. You find everthing in
order, and can't take the neatness as well, so you start throwing things up.

Its like shuffling things up in an overly clean room.

Can't do with all the peace.
Can't go with the mess.

Sampling a few 'dark thoughts'

2004-12-22T20:19:00.000+05:30

I am walking towards my apartments, open the door, and wait for the lift. Enter the lift, where this guy, absolutely looking normal shoots me.....whats happens next? When somebody finds me, they get my identifications n stuff, and contact my family. Then there is the tears n loss story. Dunno about the killer, but i am dead.
Alternately, i get shot, but survive, though get a handicap. What and how different would life be then.
I cut my nerves one day, and wonder how my pa would take it? I am this happy chirpy bubbly person, who doesn't go about suicides and stuff.
I get run in an accident while saving 3 kids, 2 survive, so do i, but the 3rd doesn't make it. I have a guilt that takes my moments away.
I give myself a plausible explanation that i am reading too much about murder/rape/incest/trauma, both on electronic and print media. Even half the fiction stuff i read goes around all this. Its not too scary, but yeah, i'd rather imagine smelling the flowers than all this.....Again, probably coz' i think so much about death & pain, that half the thoughts club around the same.

Geographical Gaps

2004-12-15T21:49:00.000+05:30

Am here in another country/continent for a project , its been 3 months, and there are another 4-5 to go, before i return to where i came from !!

Each day, inspite of people who have the same anatomies, interests, same foods, same sunrise and the same sunsets, my thoughts still turn to my homeland.....and a ring says 'home is home'.
Its more of a pyschological difference, but then everything is !!

The air smells different, the birds don't wave at me, and the winds howl in my ears.
At other times, its the same warm bed, the same tiredness after a long day, the same dreams i dream, and the same hopes i have !!

What then does a geographical gap essentially change, i remain the same, just my dependencies alter.....a lot. My family, my friends, my places, my home (back home).........all of this makes me give a thought to how bound one is to the environs around. Of what we have got used to. Of the people we choose to be with. Of everything which is familiar and a 'part of my world', as we put.

Tossed-n-Turned

2004-12-10T21:13:00.000+05:30

Naming a blog can be quite interesting.....there could be so many words that relate to one's mind and soul, to choose just one, is like picking on a favourite child, and ignoring the rest !!

''Thoughts'' are a difficult entitiy to tame......and most of the thoughts are mixed up, in essence as well as intent. I was thinking of a tossed salad, where all the ingredients get tossed n turned, to become a whole, complete. I think that translated itself to this name, and this first blog.