no matter how you've been, and how you are going to be the next day, i finally have to agree that birthdays are fun days, no matter what.
i was wondering how it'd be like in a different country and office and all. back at home, usually get a cake or some eats, and have fun with my office team, and later with my pals. but what a surprise, got these real beautiful flowers from the team here, and everybody gave cards, and no matter how old you get, the excitement and happiness gets to you.not that i've turned very old today, still young by many comparisons.......its my 23rd birthday !!
and for a day, whatever worries/negativities/turmoils that otherwise hit the head can stay away !!and i can remain happy, pampered and loved.
thanks to all my friends, my family, and everybody who make it so warm n special.
about what i'll do once am outta office, dunno, so thats gonna be the report for tomorrow !!
January 27, 2005
January 26, 2005
one of the easy days
at times, even though rare, when there is no/minimum work at office, or other dependencies make me sit like a dull dumbo on my chair, i wonder whats the limit of pretending to work? i can't be net browsing all the while, else questions would arise for sure. nor can i keep my head on the table and doze off (i'd luv too, if it were ok!!). so i just find myself sitting here, staring at this godamned screen, my eyes getting weaker for no good reason, my fingers steadily typing
what-so-evers-in-ma-head, and looking all important, hard working, dedicated, serious and sincere person, doing my job; when what i am actually doing is 'pretending' all of it......not that this is the daily story. but yeah, once in a lucky while works real less, and i am in the no-pressure zone....so there....who's to blame?if only there were some 'legal' ways of passing time when one is free in office, and not having to do time pass on the sly, and keep looking so important (and a hypocrite)......if you ae wondering where the 'guilt' has disappeared, then let me tell you it doesn't surface coz' usually there's always more work, more pressure, too much effort, and less reward scenario, so i take it as ma right to have days with less work...even if on the sly.
and u got it right..........todays one of the easy-sleazy days !!
yawn....where's ma pillow ?
what-so-evers-in-ma-head, and looking all important, hard working, dedicated, serious and sincere person, doing my job; when what i am actually doing is 'pretending' all of it......not that this is the daily story. but yeah, once in a lucky while works real less, and i am in the no-pressure zone....so there....who's to blame?if only there were some 'legal' ways of passing time when one is free in office, and not having to do time pass on the sly, and keep looking so important (and a hypocrite)......if you ae wondering where the 'guilt' has disappeared, then let me tell you it doesn't surface coz' usually there's always more work, more pressure, too much effort, and less reward scenario, so i take it as ma right to have days with less work...even if on the sly.
and u got it right..........todays one of the easy-sleazy days !!
yawn....where's ma pillow ?
loopy loop
read something interesting in a book, this is a question which goes in a loop;
if a barber shaves all men who do not shave themselves, who shaves the barber?
.
.
.
.
.
.
if u say 'he shaves himself', then u'r caught,
as
'the barber shaves only those men who do not shave themseleves'
(so if he shaved himself, he's not one of those men who do not shave themselves)
.
.
.
.
if you're getting lost, repeat the lines to digest the web !!
.
.
.
.
next guess - 'he doesn't shave himself, so somebody else shaves him'
.
.
.
you think you caught it, but u'r caught again;
he shaves ALL men who do not shave themselves
(and those who shave themselves, must have shaved), so nobody is left to shave the poor barber, resultant ;
.
.
.
.
question remains - Who shaves the barber??
if a barber shaves all men who do not shave themselves, who shaves the barber?
.
.
.
.
.
.
if u say 'he shaves himself', then u'r caught,
as
'the barber shaves only those men who do not shave themseleves'
(so if he shaved himself, he's not one of those men who do not shave themselves)
.
.
.
.
if you're getting lost, repeat the lines to digest the web !!
.
.
.
.
next guess - 'he doesn't shave himself, so somebody else shaves him'
.
.
.
you think you caught it, but u'r caught again;
he shaves ALL men who do not shave themselves
(and those who shave themselves, must have shaved), so nobody is left to shave the poor barber, resultant ;
.
.
.
.
question remains - Who shaves the barber??
January 25, 2005
Reality bites
we always want to know the truth, atleast most of the times, yet how many times are we capable to taking it?
better still, how many times are we really asking for it?
and when we really 'believe' we want to dig the truth, its usually hinting at something that would cut thru the skin.
(because we blah n blab the easy goodie stuff over n again)
1. how much of honesty is good enuff --
2. how much of truth can we take without falling off --
3. what would be our EQ once i really know all truths --
4. would anyone be hurt by our honesty --
5. then again, can i take the guilt of being dishonest --
most imp, for we are all so self centered
(i dont believe in the concept of selfishness, thats for another blog)
6. whats the price we may have to pay for being brutally honest --
the truth is that more often than not - Reality bites (not to mention that it sucks !!)
better still, how many times are we really asking for it?
and when we really 'believe' we want to dig the truth, its usually hinting at something that would cut thru the skin.
(because we blah n blab the easy goodie stuff over n again)
1. how much of honesty is good enuff --
2. how much of truth can we take without falling off --
3. what would be our EQ once i really know all truths --
4. would anyone be hurt by our honesty --
5. then again, can i take the guilt of being dishonest --
most imp, for we are all so self centered
(i dont believe in the concept of selfishness, thats for another blog)
6. whats the price we may have to pay for being brutally honest --
the truth is that more often than not - Reality bites (not to mention that it sucks !!)
January 12, 2005
on my latest reads
started this book 'coincidence' which isn't too appealing. the idea is nice, but i don't like the way its written. and good literature must be a good read as well (although a good read may not be good literature).
thinking of swiching to another book on either cleopatra or alexander the great.
a recent read which i likes was - sir paul mccartneys poems n lyrics - from 1965 to 1999.few of the poems are with john lennon, few are the lyrics from there music, but few poems are the never before published ones, and they really are nice. the ones for his wife linda are also quite nice.and reading some lyrics again was also quite nice. (seems like there isn't any other word in my mind right now other than 'quite nice')so this is the latest bestest piece of 'literature' i read.
there were 2 other fictions for time pass and a tired mind -
the ranch - danielle steel. though if u read one of her books, its like u'v read them all. who cares though !!
still water - murder-who did it-wrong person accused-happy ending and the same shit, but written well. blended with the behavior of orcas, whales and all, thats the interesting part to read !!
thinking of swiching to another book on either cleopatra or alexander the great.
a recent read which i likes was - sir paul mccartneys poems n lyrics - from 1965 to 1999.few of the poems are with john lennon, few are the lyrics from there music, but few poems are the never before published ones, and they really are nice. the ones for his wife linda are also quite nice.and reading some lyrics again was also quite nice. (seems like there isn't any other word in my mind right now other than 'quite nice')so this is the latest bestest piece of 'literature' i read.
there were 2 other fictions for time pass and a tired mind -
the ranch - danielle steel. though if u read one of her books, its like u'v read them all. who cares though !!
still water - murder-who did it-wrong person accused-happy ending and the same shit, but written well. blended with the behavior of orcas, whales and all, thats the interesting part to read !!
bored n sleepy
an extremely boring and sleepy day !!had less work, so majorly bored. a lot of work keeps me busy, even if i would then crib about being tired and all.but this in a way is worse. or probably just so, coz am here in uk. noone really to talk to when i am free, no music to listen to while working, its not allowed here, no mpegs to watch, not allowed here....what a drag !!only thought now after the day is what to cook for my dinner, aaloo-matar and rice probably, with curd. never did this
much cooking as before. even started missing the caterer back at office in india. even though couldn't help cribbing about them while i was there. but atleast could get ready-made-indian lunch. all the things we miss when we don't get them, the usual story of life !!not that i see myself turning a saint and not cribbing about the food in office once am back. i see myself appreciating it all
for a few months, and then sliding in the same routine, well, am human, what to do.just killing the last half hour before i can get outta this office.
much cooking as before. even started missing the caterer back at office in india. even though couldn't help cribbing about them while i was there. but atleast could get ready-made-indian lunch. all the things we miss when we don't get them, the usual story of life !!not that i see myself turning a saint and not cribbing about the food in office once am back. i see myself appreciating it all
for a few months, and then sliding in the same routine, well, am human, what to do.just killing the last half hour before i can get outta this office.
January 11, 2005
Leaf floating on the waters
If life were a river, and i were wading through it, then my present state of mind makes me feel like i am just wading, no strokes from my end. I just seem to be floating in the waters, not fighting the currents, or taking any course. I just seem to be going where the wind directed waters are going. A sense of direction and purpose is missing for now, and i give myself hopes that its just a passing phase, and i shall find myself swimming with gut again. But deep down, not feeling very positive about this, not getting good vibes.
The waters came up from the mountains last year, and i joined someway along. i thought i'd go far from here, and beyond and end in an ocean somewhere and that would be the end. But these waters seem to be dropping me here, after having carried me for this long, and i am getting this feeling its all going to begin again. I will be left here, and more waters would come again from the mountains, and carry me again for a while, till when, i dunno.....
its all happening again, maybe it was designed to be that way, only i can't figure out what i should do. should i leave the banks and go home if they leave me? or should i wait for new waters?
is life 'living' the certainities/ or is it living 'life' in the uncertainities??
The waters came up from the mountains last year, and i joined someway along. i thought i'd go far from here, and beyond and end in an ocean somewhere and that would be the end. But these waters seem to be dropping me here, after having carried me for this long, and i am getting this feeling its all going to begin again. I will be left here, and more waters would come again from the mountains, and carry me again for a while, till when, i dunno.....
its all happening again, maybe it was designed to be that way, only i can't figure out what i should do. should i leave the banks and go home if they leave me? or should i wait for new waters?
is life 'living' the certainities/ or is it living 'life' in the uncertainities??
10 different things about uk
10 different things about uk - cities
1. intersting names for all shops
2. hidden pets n hidden neighbours
3. a good loo with toilet paper everywhere
4. wood - for most of the things in the house/ also for the house panelling itself
5. meat eating pigeons
6. politeness and basic manners
7. sealed houses
8. babies in prams, and never in the arms
9. cigarette butts everywhere, broken beer bottles on the road each morning
10. tattoos and piercing
1. intersting names for all shops
2. hidden pets n hidden neighbours
3. a good loo with toilet paper everywhere
4. wood - for most of the things in the house/ also for the house panelling itself
5. meat eating pigeons
6. politeness and basic manners
7. sealed houses
8. babies in prams, and never in the arms
9. cigarette butts everywhere, broken beer bottles on the road each morning
10. tattoos and piercing
January 10, 2005
???? on love
watched this movie 'the first knight' on the weekend, and wondered after a certain part of the movie. the lead lady is truly in love with king arthur of camelot (sean connery) and is all set to wed him. but as chance would, she meets lancelot (richard gere) who saves her life on more occasions than one, and she gets these conflicting emotions....and finds herself in love with both of them. when arthur finds this out, he tell her - when a woman loves two men, she must choose between the two.
anyways, the movie goes its way, what remains is this thought i have about could such a thing really be possible, is one capable of loving two people in the same manner at the same time?
i think i couldn't love more than one person at any time, though admit that maybe i could like another one, but the intensity sure would be different. if not in the mind but definitely in actions, i couldn't possibly give my efforts n time n love to two people. but yeah, whats important is 'what's in my mind'.
anyways, the movie goes its way, what remains is this thought i have about could such a thing really be possible, is one capable of loving two people in the same manner at the same time?
i think i couldn't love more than one person at any time, though admit that maybe i could like another one, but the intensity sure would be different. if not in the mind but definitely in actions, i couldn't possibly give my efforts n time n love to two people. but yeah, whats important is 'what's in my mind'.
January 07, 2005
mind attack
day before i had one of my 'attacks' again.......before you think its asthma or something, it isn't......though its equally chronic.
i just go into this 'over-think' ; 'over-analyse' ; 'over-decipher' ; 'over-complicate' mode, to an extent where my nerves start wrecking, and there is no clarity of thought in where i am, what i am doing, why i am doing, is it what i want, should i have been elsewhere, with whom i am, with whom i am not blah blah and blahs.
its in simpler put words a 'crazy' state of mind and its affairs.
but in reality, its a very 'saddening' state of my mind and its affairs.
things get muddled up so bad, and clarity hits rock bottom, that's when i start losing faith in myself. its such a confused mess then. i question all my choices, all my goals, all my decisions, everything. and only i am the loser, not to mention a sleepless night, and a carry forward of fatigue.
this time around, the 'attack' which i call a 'mind-attack' was one of the worst ever. i am calmer now, but still confused, and with less faith in myself than before.
i just go into this 'over-think' ; 'over-analyse' ; 'over-decipher' ; 'over-complicate' mode, to an extent where my nerves start wrecking, and there is no clarity of thought in where i am, what i am doing, why i am doing, is it what i want, should i have been elsewhere, with whom i am, with whom i am not blah blah and blahs.
its in simpler put words a 'crazy' state of mind and its affairs.
but in reality, its a very 'saddening' state of my mind and its affairs.
things get muddled up so bad, and clarity hits rock bottom, that's when i start losing faith in myself. its such a confused mess then. i question all my choices, all my goals, all my decisions, everything. and only i am the loser, not to mention a sleepless night, and a carry forward of fatigue.
this time around, the 'attack' which i call a 'mind-attack' was one of the worst ever. i am calmer now, but still confused, and with less faith in myself than before.
deliberate attempt to think 'what to think'
am thinking now about what to think.the options are as many as the stars in the sky, but which one do i want to gaze at right now??
its feeling kind of wierd, because i could just begin thinking without thinking about what to think about (you can hit me for this one, yeahh!!)but at this time, i am deliberately not letting any particular thoughts intrude. and just thinking about what i wish to think about.
resultant, am seeing this empty thoughtless zone, which completely oppposes the idea.
maybe this is one of the most pathetic entries to put on a blog, makes no sense at all, but then, thats what blogging is all about, its about ''all''.........like emptying a bin !!
i buzz myself offf for now, yikkkess !!
its feeling kind of wierd, because i could just begin thinking without thinking about what to think about (you can hit me for this one, yeahh!!)but at this time, i am deliberately not letting any particular thoughts intrude. and just thinking about what i wish to think about.
resultant, am seeing this empty thoughtless zone, which completely oppposes the idea.
maybe this is one of the most pathetic entries to put on a blog, makes no sense at all, but then, thats what blogging is all about, its about ''all''.........like emptying a bin !!
i buzz myself offf for now, yikkkess !!
January 06, 2005
bloggging
i have this thought about how much i can really put in a blog/ or a diary and all. so many thoughts go flash n zoooom even
before i catch them, or get to comprehend them. its like barely getting a peek at your own thoughts.
i've read some bare-all kinda blogs, and somehow can't find myself doing the same - and 'all the world' reading 'all my world' stuff. in a way its the limitation of this mind, coz in essence there isn't really anything thats tooo 'personal', yet thats what it gets to be more often than not.
many of my own thoughts are so called 'tooo personal' for even my own glimpse, so never jot them down, as i myself
don't want to talk a peep at them again.
before i catch them, or get to comprehend them. its like barely getting a peek at your own thoughts.
i've read some bare-all kinda blogs, and somehow can't find myself doing the same - and 'all the world' reading 'all my world' stuff. in a way its the limitation of this mind, coz in essence there isn't really anything thats tooo 'personal', yet thats what it gets to be more often than not.
many of my own thoughts are so called 'tooo personal' for even my own glimpse, so never jot them down, as i myself
don't want to talk a peep at them again.
kinda like a conveyor belt - a place blocks of my life where i can, and just leave parts of the belt empty where i can't
a nice dream
saw paradise last night....which is a rarity, coz usually i get the shittiest scariest dreams possible.but last night was different. i was moving in a wagon sorta structure through one of the most beautiful garden sorta place....whenever i have a great dream its this one ....kinda recurring. its always this beautiful magnificent angelic idyllic garden, with colors hues butterfiles/ silvers neutrals/threads/floats......its difficult to describe. and these gardens are distinct each time, though the feeling of being somewhere divine is the same.
Its a nice dream...!!
Its a nice dream...!!
January 04, 2005
compulsive(!!!obsessions???)
have u ever done some things, apparent very simple activities, but done them so obsessively that you begin to question why the hell you're doing them??
---i used to have this habit of washing my hands like a compulsive freak till i read that it indicates a pyschological problem, so reduced the frequency since then.
---counting - can't cure this one, count blocks/ patterns/trees/tiles.......and only other place where i hit the same was in an archies comics. jughead had this counting problem, so kinda felt good its ok if it happens.
---try this.....take a paper, put a drop of ink on it, then fold it into half. amazing formations appear, no 2 are ever the same. did this for 2-3 years in my teens, now completely grown over them, but it was a hit !!
---i used to have this habit of washing my hands like a compulsive freak till i read that it indicates a pyschological problem, so reduced the frequency since then.
---counting - can't cure this one, count blocks/ patterns/trees/tiles.......and only other place where i hit the same was in an archies comics. jughead had this counting problem, so kinda felt good its ok if it happens.
---try this.....take a paper, put a drop of ink on it, then fold it into half. amazing formations appear, no 2 are ever the same. did this for 2-3 years in my teens, now completely grown over them, but it was a hit !!
try this
just before sleeping, when the lights are out, bury your face in your pillow such that only one eye is open.
the world appears very different.
the world appears very different.
Mind-list#1
This is what i do time to time, esp when too much is going on in my mind, i just jot down the words which i can relate to in the moment;
Green
Desert sand
Away
Snakes
Grey
Green
Desert sand
Away
Snakes
Grey
Hypochondriac Attack
Latest on my idiosyncrasies is developing serious 'Hypochondria'.
I am trying to invent ailments/diseases in myself, for unexplained reasons.
Hot on the list remain -
Brain tumor
Cancer
Syziophrania
MPD(multiple personality disorder or syndrome , whatevr its called)
The only real problem i truly have/and always had is -
Claustrophobia
and yeah.....looks now.......2nd on the list is this fast eating 'hypochondria'...yelch!!
I am trying to invent ailments/diseases in myself, for unexplained reasons.
Hot on the list remain -
Brain tumor
Cancer
Syziophrania
MPD(multiple personality disorder or syndrome , whatevr its called)
The only real problem i truly have/and always had is -
Claustrophobia
and yeah.....looks now.......2nd on the list is this fast eating 'hypochondria'...yelch!!
Absolute Vs Relative
Was thinking last nite, there is no such concept as 'Absolute'. I'd rather think its all 'Relative'.
Nothing is of absolute nature, each entity is influenced by another around. Even my own self, emotions et all, are not
existing in an absolute. they're more of in a relativeness w.r.t others/enviorn.
Could be a quest to edge for 'absolutenism' (is there any such work??, vl look up oxford later).....but in my understanding
as of now, can't point to anything which is on its own.
The question of 'God'/'Creator'/'Universal power' falling in this category is another debatable issue, not meddling it here !!
Nothing is of absolute nature, each entity is influenced by another around. Even my own self, emotions et all, are not
existing in an absolute. they're more of in a relativeness w.r.t others/enviorn.
Could be a quest to edge for 'absolutenism' (is there any such work??, vl look up oxford later).....but in my understanding
as of now, can't point to anything which is on its own.
The question of 'God'/'Creator'/'Universal power' falling in this category is another debatable issue, not meddling it here !!
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